wild card: the doom of the girlfrind

a couple of weeks ago, i came home from the library with The Devil in the White City, which is about serial killer H. H. Holmes, and In Cold Blood, which is is a true crime book about a murder. the next trip to the library yielded Mystic River, which is a novel about murder, and Stiff, which is about, well... cadavers. i was half-certain that i was going to get a knock on the door after a very concerned librarian contacted the police. but the thing is, this is not a recent development. i have always been a little morbid, fascinated with the macabre. when i was in the second grade, R.L. Stine was pretty much my idol. by the third grade, i'd graduated to the "masterpieces" of Christopher Pike. i was obsessed with vampires and ghosts and mummies (oh my!), as well as zombies, voodoo, witches, and other such subjects.

i was an aspiring author at the time (which is another thing that still hasn't changed), and so, naturally, the subject of my reading and the subject of my writing were the same. yes, i was a third-grader writing about death and zombies. and a few years ago, i found evidence of this. tucked away in a box filled with drawings and report cards and old spelling tests, there was a little gem that i had penned called "the doom of the girlfrind." and here, for your reading pleasure, is a transcription of that masterpiece.  including a stunning cover illustration.

(the tagline says "Rob is dead... or is he?"  also, please note that the tissues depicted are puffs plus. only the best for my characters.)


#1
"NO!" Cried Kathlaen. "NO! He just CAN'T
be dead!" "Honey, I know itis hard to under-
stand, but, his plane crashed on the way to
Whales." Erxplaned her mother. "NO! NO! NO!
He can't die he just CANT!" Screamed
Kathlaen as she ran out of the room.
Her boyfriend, Richerd, was going on a
trip to Whales. She had just found
out that his plane had crashed. All
but three people servived the crash.
One of those three happened to be
Richerd. . Kathlaen was hart broken. Her
and Richerd have had a crush on eachothere
since third grade. When they were Freshmen,
Richerd got the guts to ask her "out".
Now they were Seners. They frendship had
bloomed. The were gowing "stedy" now, they
were a "cuple", they were boyfrind + girlfri-
end. Ding-Dong! "Hello?" Asked Kathlaen wearely.
"Theyr's no one hear, exept for o box to ---------------
---------ME?!" Kathaen opened the brown paper
box. In it there was a bottle of perfume
and a note that sayied...

"It's from Rich! That's odd, let's see, the
plane crashed on Thursday Apr. 30, and this
was writen on Mondy May 4. Weeerd!


#2

Ding-Dong! "Yes?" "Kathlaen?"
"RICH?! I THOUGHT YOU DIED!"
Screamed Kathlaen. "So did I." Said Rich
quietly. "Want to go out on a date?"
"Well-um-I-um-I-I---I peturlarly don't
want to. Sorry-um-no ufence." Saied
Kathlaen. "NO?! WHY NOT?!!!! IS THERE
SOMEONE ELSE?!!!!!!" "No."
"Then-um-why not?" "Well, ther's this
roomer." "About what?" "It says that -um- well-
---- It saies that you are dead. Of corse
I don't beleve it!" said Kathlaen quckly.
"That's Okay." saied Rich, "I kind of am."
"WHAT?!!! You GOT to be kidding. If you
were dead... how could you be here how
could you write this letter?" All of a sudden
Kathlaen notised a red glow in his eyes.
"I did not say I am dead I sayed I sort
of am." "Oh. -Um-Rich y- never mind. I guess I'll
go with you." "Grate. I'll pick you up
at 7:00. Okay?" "Sure. Meet you then. Whare are
we going?" "It's a surprise." said Rich with the
same red glow in his eyes but now he
was mummbleing something. Kathlaen couldn't make
it out. It looked like revenge, revenge, revenge.

#3

"Kathlaen I DON'T think you should
go with him." Warned Shawna, "It just
isn't right. The crash was on tevee and
everything. And that red glow in his eyes,
and what he was mummbling. He's dangur-
us. Don't go." Ding-Dong. "Rich how nice to
see you. Um-Kathlaen is - um- very ill. She
can't go with you." Shawna lied. "She was
just fine when I was here this morning.
let me see her!" "NO! I meen, she doen't
want you to get sick just because of her."
"Oh. Okay. Tell her that when she's better
we can go 'out'. Okay?" "Um-sure. Is there
anything else?" "Oh ya. Here give her this."
said Rich as he handed her a small box
raped in violet red raping paper with a
purple bow arownd it. There was also a
card in a purple evelope. "Okay thaks.
Bye!" "Bye." Slam. "KATHLAEN!!!" "What
do you want?!" "Another gift." Oh. Coming!" Sha-
wna tossed the pakige to Kathlaen. "Gas-
p... a Knife?" "What?" A Knife!" "A KNIFE?!
Open the note." "It sayes... 'In this box
you found a knife. Come with me if you
vaulue your life. Whare I'm going is a
surprise. Egnore the tinge of red in my
eyes."

#4

"Shawna!" "What?" "ANOTHER ONE!!!!!"
"Coming. What is it?!" Asked Shawna. "It's-um-a-
um-a note." "About what?" "It saies "Come with me.
T.

and there it comes to an abrupt end. we shall never know what could have come of this literary masterpiece. like chaucer's canterbury tales or the works of j.r.r. tolkein, this is a work that will never be finished as it was intended. all we are left with are these glorious scraps and the dream of what they could have been.