update: five-and-a-half-hour drives to nowhere

okay, first of all, i don't know how, exactly, one sustains a thumb injury while sleeping, but my thumb is MESSED UP today.  what was i doing in my sleep last night?  playing nintendo?  thumb-wrestling a viking?

ouch.

anyway, last week was rough.  there wasn't a specific reason for it being so rough, really.  it was just one of those weeks where my general surliness attracted all sorts of bad stuff and by the end of the week i was pretty much surrounded by a ball of angry crap. so saturday, i took the day off.  i know saturday is technically the weekend and is already a day off, but for me, saturdays are always filled with cleaning, laundry, mopping, grocery shopping, planning menus, and all that stuff.  so instead of doing those things, i hopped in my car and went for a drive.  for five and a half hours. 

i went to my favorite, prettiest, middle-of-nowhere places where i had room to breathe and relax and scrape off some of the collected crap of my week.  at first i was a little zoned out, just taking deep breaths and looking at nature and barely thinking at all.  then i was cranky.  then, i finally started to reflect on why i was so dang cranky and what i could do about it.  turns out, i was mostly cranky because things weren't going exactly how i wanted them to.  i would plan one thing and something completely different would happen.

if there's one thing i've learned in the past year and a half, it's that everything happens for a reason.  everything.  i've started seeing my life as a big puzzle in which every incident is an important, interlocking part of the whole.  like if that girl hadn't said that hurtful thing in the sixth grade, then i wouldn't have felt this way, and then this and this and this wouldn't have happened, and then that wouldn't have led up to this wonderful thing that happened in my life. (actually, once i started seeing all of the connections, i actually got a little freaked out for a while because it was like i had just opened a door and gotten a rather sublime peek at the intricate workings of the universe without meaning to.)  with that in mind, i started picking apart all of these things that were happening that weren't going the way i wanted them to.  instead of dwelling on what had or hadn't happened as planned, i started thinking about what good things might (or already had) come from the change of plans.

goodness, i felt so much better after that. it really helps to be able to identify what i'm feeling and why i'm feeling it, honestly recognize my feelings as being valid, and then pick them apart and resolve them. after i started resolving things, i kept going, driving fast with the windows down, down roads hardly anyone else even seems to know about.  i could feel all the bad feelings just sloughing off and getting left on the road behind me like little dirt clods.  by the time i got back to my apartment (minus half a tank of gas, plus a sunburnt left arm) i was feeling oh so much better-- like when you step out of the shower all nice and clean after a very grungy day.  it was lovely.

today, i feel grateful for the changes of plans in my life, for the puzzle pieces that are fitting together to create something that i can't see quite yet.  i'm grateful for this state i live in, with all of its beautiful places to disappear to.  i'm grateful for my little black car and my freedom to make my own choices, and i'm grateful for all of the people who have taught me the important lessons i didn't really want to learn.  i'm even grateful for my messed-up thumb.  and i'm sure someday, i'll figure out why.

update: just a phase

i've probably said it before, but i am remarkably set in my ways for only being twenty-six years old.  i'm practically fossilized.  recently, though, i've been watching a lot of people move into different phases of their lives. my sister got married and moved across the country to start a new phase of her life with her husband. another friend is preparing to get married in about two weeks.  another friend just moved to california and yet another just found out that she's going to be moving to houston, where her husband just got a new job.  my parents are trying to decide whether they're ready to move into a new phase as well and move to a different area.  at first, i was struggling with all of these changes.  it frustrated me, angered me.  then, honestly, it depressed me.  i had picked my niche that i wanted to stay in for the rest of my life.  i had my plans.  but then, everything started changing around me and disrupting all of those plans.  a few weeks ago, though, a little thought started forming in my head.

this is just a phase.

this spot that i've settled myself into is only temporary.  i'm twenty-six years old, and while that seems incredibly old and mature sometimes, i'm sure twenty-six years from now i'll realize that i'm still a baby at this age.  i still have so much ahead of me.  and how boring would it be if i stayed in exactly the same spot i'm in now for all those years?  what a waste.

there's a book that i read tidbits from now and then.  it talks about how to achieve one's dreams.  near the beginning of the book, it lists some questions to ask ourselves to determine what, exactly, that dream goal is.  what would you do if you only had one year to live?  what would you do if you had a hundred years to live? what would you do if you didn't have to worry about money?  there were more, by my answer was the same to every single one: i would write.

technically, i already write.  i'm a sales writer, and i create documents to fill needs in our company or to bring in revenue.  it's a good job, but it's not the job i would do forever.  i like it, but i don't have a passion for it.  when i dream about writing, i dream about writing for myself, writing what i want to write and creating something beautiful and powerful, not revenue-generating.

when i was talking a friend about this recently, she asked me what my ideal job would be, and i said "well, ideally, i want to get paid for writing what i want to write.  but doesn't everyone?"  then i started coming up with other things i could do that might be satisfying, because every writer wants to write their stuff and get paid for it, and no one really does.  except the ones that do.  people do get paid for writing. every day.  so, why, exactly, would i decide now that i'm not one of those people?  why on earth would i have any less right to that than any of the others?

so i've decided that i've had enough of settling.  i'm not going to settle into this spot that i'm in now because i can't get anything better.  enough of that.  i'm twenty-six and i'm young and i have every right to do what i want to do with my life, and dang it, i want to write.  so that's what i'm going to do.

i have my eye on a low-residency creative writing MFA program in oregon.  there's no way on earth i'm good enough to get in yet, but i can be.  i'm going to start out by actually working on my own writing and exercising my weak little creative writing muscles.  then, i'm going to enroll in some classes at a local university so i can get some more practice and input and direction and also get some practice with literary criticism.  then, i'm going to apply to one of the program's yearly ten-day residencies-- just the residency to start out with so i can get a feel for things.  then, if all goes well, i'll apply for the full program.

it's a little terrifying to think about, actually.  but it's roller-coaster terror-- equal parts fear and excitement.

gosh, i can't wait to see what happens next.

update kinda sorta: new plan for the snoop bloggy blog

okay, so here's the thing:  this whole expectation i've placed on myself to post every day thing just isn't working.  if i miss a day, it tends to snowball because i don't want to write the next day because i'd have to make up for the day before that i missed, and then i get all "NOOO BLOOOOG RUN AWAAAAAY!"  so new plan!  i will post three times a week.  i promise.  and i will probably mostly stick to the plan that i set up earlier this year as to what will be posted on what day, but  i will occasionally stray.  and i'm okay with that.  right?  right.  fistbump.

okay, new plan! (or: a gritty blog reboot)

new year's day might technically be january 1, but some traditions are made to be broken. when i was a kid, the new year started in august or september with the start of school. now that i'm older, my personal new year's day is april 20, when spring is springing and birds are singing. so in the spirit of renewal and growth, i have decided to make some changes to this here blog. namely... i'm actually planning on updating it. (whatWHAAAT?!)

i've tried to decide what kind of blog i want this to be. do i want it to be literary and gorgeous and beautifully-written? of course i do. but if i hold off on posting until i have the brainpower to create something literary and gorgeous et cetera, i will never update. and what is the purpose of a blog if it's never updated? i mean really.

so here's the plan. i am planning on posting every day. this plan may change after a few weeks when i go "what the heck was i thinking," but for right now, this is the plan. but just wait, there's more! there's a schedule to help me think of things to post! oh, this is exciting, isn't it? so here's what you can expect day to day at madam b's emporium of thoughtful thoughts:

sunday: retro movie flashback. on sundays, i will be rewatching and reviewing the "great" films of my early life. this will include movies i was obsessively in love with as an adolescent (such as the mummy) and movies that were wildly popular that i never saw.

monday: life update. this is the day that i'll post updates on my super-exciting life. topics will include: work! friends! family! crimefighting! (okay, i made that last one up.)

tuesday: newsday. i'm obsessed with news, especially weird or interesting articles that pop up in world newspapers. tuesday is the day i'll share some of my favorite articles with you!

wednesday: in the kitchen. in case you haven't noticed, i love cooking and i love sharing recipes. wednesday will be the day i share some of my old and new favorites with you!

thursday: top fiveish. on thursdays, i will share a list of my top fiveish (meaning it could be five or three or ten) list of something. favorite books, favorite movies, least-favorite words, etc.

friday: wild card. the sky's the limit! this could be anything.

saturday: books and biscuits. i actually have another blog. it's located over here.  the idea of the blog is to review books and then to provide a recipe of something in the book or related to the book.  you may notice that there's nothing there.  this is because it is a very ambitious effort, to say the least; however, i'm hoping that i'll be able to get something up every saturday!   i'm planning on alternating saturdays-- one saturday will be the review, the next will be the recipe.  fingers crossed!

plans: brenda + food = luv 4-evah

one of my goals right now is to develop a healthier relationship with food-- the key word here being "relationship." i want to be involved with my food. instead of having a craving for something and turning the the cupboard or freezer to grab a quick-fix convenience food, i want to create something. i want to satisfy every aspect of that craving, not just taste. i want to smell the food cooking. i want to touch the ingredients and measure them in my palms and feel the grit of kosher salt in my fingers. i want to see everything coming together just right. and then, when i finally do taste it, i know it will absolutely satisfy that craving because everything that is in that food i put there. it was literally made to suit me.

the rewards? fewer preservatives and what-is-that ingredients, a greater appreciation for what i eat, a boost in creativity, and a feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction every evening when i finally flop down on the couch. a greater feeling of satisfaction will hopefully lead to less need to snack. a one-dish attack of custom-fit flavor will fix every craving instead of needing different things to cure the need for salty, sweet, and noodles (my cravings of choice).

the difficulties? "oh my gosh, i just spent eight hours trying to write this stupid project at work. screw you, raw chicken breast. pass me the instant gratification."