update: just a phase

i've probably said it before, but i am remarkably set in my ways for only being twenty-six years old.  i'm practically fossilized.  recently, though, i've been watching a lot of people move into different phases of their lives. my sister got married and moved across the country to start a new phase of her life with her husband. another friend is preparing to get married in about two weeks.  another friend just moved to california and yet another just found out that she's going to be moving to houston, where her husband just got a new job.  my parents are trying to decide whether they're ready to move into a new phase as well and move to a different area.  at first, i was struggling with all of these changes.  it frustrated me, angered me.  then, honestly, it depressed me.  i had picked my niche that i wanted to stay in for the rest of my life.  i had my plans.  but then, everything started changing around me and disrupting all of those plans.  a few weeks ago, though, a little thought started forming in my head.

this is just a phase.

this spot that i've settled myself into is only temporary.  i'm twenty-six years old, and while that seems incredibly old and mature sometimes, i'm sure twenty-six years from now i'll realize that i'm still a baby at this age.  i still have so much ahead of me.  and how boring would it be if i stayed in exactly the same spot i'm in now for all those years?  what a waste.

there's a book that i read tidbits from now and then.  it talks about how to achieve one's dreams.  near the beginning of the book, it lists some questions to ask ourselves to determine what, exactly, that dream goal is.  what would you do if you only had one year to live?  what would you do if you had a hundred years to live? what would you do if you didn't have to worry about money?  there were more, by my answer was the same to every single one: i would write.

technically, i already write.  i'm a sales writer, and i create documents to fill needs in our company or to bring in revenue.  it's a good job, but it's not the job i would do forever.  i like it, but i don't have a passion for it.  when i dream about writing, i dream about writing for myself, writing what i want to write and creating something beautiful and powerful, not revenue-generating.

when i was talking a friend about this recently, she asked me what my ideal job would be, and i said "well, ideally, i want to get paid for writing what i want to write.  but doesn't everyone?"  then i started coming up with other things i could do that might be satisfying, because every writer wants to write their stuff and get paid for it, and no one really does.  except the ones that do.  people do get paid for writing. every day.  so, why, exactly, would i decide now that i'm not one of those people?  why on earth would i have any less right to that than any of the others?

so i've decided that i've had enough of settling.  i'm not going to settle into this spot that i'm in now because i can't get anything better.  enough of that.  i'm twenty-six and i'm young and i have every right to do what i want to do with my life, and dang it, i want to write.  so that's what i'm going to do.

i have my eye on a low-residency creative writing MFA program in oregon.  there's no way on earth i'm good enough to get in yet, but i can be.  i'm going to start out by actually working on my own writing and exercising my weak little creative writing muscles.  then, i'm going to enroll in some classes at a local university so i can get some more practice and input and direction and also get some practice with literary criticism.  then, i'm going to apply to one of the program's yearly ten-day residencies-- just the residency to start out with so i can get a feel for things.  then, if all goes well, i'll apply for the full program.

it's a little terrifying to think about, actually.  but it's roller-coaster terror-- equal parts fear and excitement.

gosh, i can't wait to see what happens next.

okay, new plan! (or: a gritty blog reboot)

new year's day might technically be january 1, but some traditions are made to be broken. when i was a kid, the new year started in august or september with the start of school. now that i'm older, my personal new year's day is april 20, when spring is springing and birds are singing. so in the spirit of renewal and growth, i have decided to make some changes to this here blog. namely... i'm actually planning on updating it. (whatWHAAAT?!)

i've tried to decide what kind of blog i want this to be. do i want it to be literary and gorgeous and beautifully-written? of course i do. but if i hold off on posting until i have the brainpower to create something literary and gorgeous et cetera, i will never update. and what is the purpose of a blog if it's never updated? i mean really.

so here's the plan. i am planning on posting every day. this plan may change after a few weeks when i go "what the heck was i thinking," but for right now, this is the plan. but just wait, there's more! there's a schedule to help me think of things to post! oh, this is exciting, isn't it? so here's what you can expect day to day at madam b's emporium of thoughtful thoughts:

sunday: retro movie flashback. on sundays, i will be rewatching and reviewing the "great" films of my early life. this will include movies i was obsessively in love with as an adolescent (such as the mummy) and movies that were wildly popular that i never saw.

monday: life update. this is the day that i'll post updates on my super-exciting life. topics will include: work! friends! family! crimefighting! (okay, i made that last one up.)

tuesday: newsday. i'm obsessed with news, especially weird or interesting articles that pop up in world newspapers. tuesday is the day i'll share some of my favorite articles with you!

wednesday: in the kitchen. in case you haven't noticed, i love cooking and i love sharing recipes. wednesday will be the day i share some of my old and new favorites with you!

thursday: top fiveish. on thursdays, i will share a list of my top fiveish (meaning it could be five or three or ten) list of something. favorite books, favorite movies, least-favorite words, etc.

friday: wild card. the sky's the limit! this could be anything.

saturday: books and biscuits. i actually have another blog. it's located over here.  the idea of the blog is to review books and then to provide a recipe of something in the book or related to the book.  you may notice that there's nothing there.  this is because it is a very ambitious effort, to say the least; however, i'm hoping that i'll be able to get something up every saturday!   i'm planning on alternating saturdays-- one saturday will be the review, the next will be the recipe.  fingers crossed!

plans: brenda + food = luv 4-evah

one of my goals right now is to develop a healthier relationship with food-- the key word here being "relationship." i want to be involved with my food. instead of having a craving for something and turning the the cupboard or freezer to grab a quick-fix convenience food, i want to create something. i want to satisfy every aspect of that craving, not just taste. i want to smell the food cooking. i want to touch the ingredients and measure them in my palms and feel the grit of kosher salt in my fingers. i want to see everything coming together just right. and then, when i finally do taste it, i know it will absolutely satisfy that craving because everything that is in that food i put there. it was literally made to suit me.

the rewards? fewer preservatives and what-is-that ingredients, a greater appreciation for what i eat, a boost in creativity, and a feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction every evening when i finally flop down on the couch. a greater feeling of satisfaction will hopefully lead to less need to snack. a one-dish attack of custom-fit flavor will fix every craving instead of needing different things to cure the need for salty, sweet, and noodles (my cravings of choice).

the difficulties? "oh my gosh, i just spent eight hours trying to write this stupid project at work. screw you, raw chicken breast. pass me the instant gratification."