what i did on my blogging hiatus.

oh hey, guys! i say "guys" on the off chance that there is more than one person still checking this abandoned wasteland of a blog. if there's only one person checking it, then... hey, you! how ya doin', champ?

i just put a chicken in the oven. this is the first chicken i've roasted in many, many moons, and it feels nice to do something properly domestic. so let's play catch-up a bit while i wait for the first basting, shall we?

my last post of substance was in july. JULY. yikes. it feels like a lot has happened since then, and also like everything is exactly the same. lets put things under headings, shall we? because i want to, that's why.

i learned cool things!
between august and december, most of my spare time was taken up by school. (does it count as spare time if it's not actually spare?) i took a creative nonfiction writing class at one of the local universities. it was absolutely amazing. i signed up for it because my mentor/friend/professor Laura, from whom i took introduction to writing in the spring, told me i absolutely had to take a class from the professor who was teaching the class. it was actually an advanced class, but i got in even though i hadn't taken the intermediate class. it's all about who you know, right? (also, it helped that i already have an english degree.)

let it be known that i am freakishly, freakishly shy when i'm out of my element, so the people who in my class probably barely even knew i was actually there, but i was there! and i learned! and i am in awe of some of the things that i got to read when i was in that class. creative nonfiction is such an interesting genre to study, because i not only got to read beautifully-written pieces, but i also got to learn more about my fellow writers through the true stories they wrote about. goodness, people are amazing. also, my professor, Karin, was so amazing and so forgiving of my awkwardness. it took me months to actually talk to her because i was just in awe of her knowledge and her talent and her general aura of awesomeness. i'm so glad i got to take her class and learn from her. i'm also glad that i got to write about some of my personal experiences. i wrote some crazy, experimental stuff in that class, and it felt really, really good to play with language. i write so much that sometimes i forget to enjoy it.

i helped other people learn cool things!
i also got to act as a teaching assistant for my mentor/friend/professor Laura. (what do i call her? "mentor" seems cheesy, but it's really the most accurate title, i think.) it was in an intermediate poetry writing class, and i was not shy in that class. it was a really cool experience to be able to work with students and help them refine their writing styles. i got to answer questions and talk about my own writing and read some really incredible things. some of those students are going to be published frequently, i guarantee it. i have some of their poems squirreled away, just so i can have the pleasure of coming across them later and reading them again. amazing stuff, i tell you what. and i'm not going to make this all glitter and roses-- some students were difficult to work with. i won't lie. but it's weirdly easy to forget the bad parts when i look back at it. this experience actually made me think that i really could be a professor, which wasn't something i'd thought very seriously about before.

i applied to a kajillion graduate programs! 
i'm so afraid to actually admit this, because i have this crippling fear that i'm not actually going to be accepted by any of them. but this took up a rather hefty portion of my free time. my writing style has changed pretty dramatically over the past year or so, so i needed to create some new portfolio pieces. i also did a lot of research trying to figure out which programs to apply to, and then there was the application process itself. yikes. and now i'm just waiting, waiting, waiting. if i don't get accepted anywhere, i'm probably just going to tell everyone that i did and go live in the woods and eat squirrels.

i was accepted to present at the National Conference for Undergraduate Research!
yep! i'm doing two presentations. one is a presentation about my experiences as an undergraduate teaching assistant. the other is a reading and discussion of my own works-- specifically poetry. yikes. YIKES. remember that part where i told you i am freakishly shy? yeaaaaah. good times. i'll get through it, though! maybe no one will come to my presentations. that would be nice. i'll just stand there and talk to myself-- ask myself the really tough questions.

i learned a new hobby! 
but... i can't tell you what it is, because it's related to some people's belated christmas presents, and there is a chance those people will read this. but it's fun! yay!


and now it is time to go baste my chicken. but i'm determined to revive this here weblog, as well as my other blog-- books and biscuits. i know... the best laid plans blah blah. but i'm determined, dang it!

now stop distracting me. my chicken's going to dry out.

happy thanksgiving!

yes, i know i'm a little late getting this up.  but i just wanted to... um... demonstrate that we should keep the spirit of thanksgiving in our hearts even after thanksgiving day.  yeah.  yeah, that's why i'm late getting this up.  totally not because i fail at blogging.

things have not been going the best these days, and i've found myself in a little bit of a slump.  so to help myself get out of said slump, i am going to think happy thoughts and write some of the things i am grateful for.

i am grateful for...

having family who lives so close.
my warm little apartment when it's cold outside.
my fluffy duvet and my favorite pillow.
having been taught the importance of family.
my job.  it's busy.  it's stressful.  but i know i'm doing something good.
my education.
my mind.
the people who listen to me ramble.
the people who ramble at me.
being able to help people.
people who have helped me.
books.
my talents.
cinnamon, because seriously, it's the best.
people who have given me a chance.
the experiences in my life that have helped me grow.
the chance to make up for mistakes.
a mother and a father who love me, even when they don't understand me.
siblings who i can call friends.
my car.
my freedom of choice.
my freedom of belief.
lightbulbs.
inside jokes.
bad days, because it means i can tell the difference between good days and bad ones.

great literature: the zombie collection

i promised to post this a while back, and i kept forgetting.  i should have done it during the halloween season, but i was busy with... yanno.  halloween-type stuff.

a few years ago, i took a creative writing class.  most of the creative writing was poetry, and my professor wouldn't let us write any free verse.  everything we wrote had to be in a form.  at first, i grumbled a lot about it.  then i started to love it.

for some reason, i got this idea in my head that it would be cool to write strict form poetry with zombies as the subject matter.  it was kind of a geeky joke, writing structured poetry about something that was falling apart.  hurr hurr.  (yeah, i'm a geek.)  i only wrote eight of them that i really liked, so i am presenting them here.  don't steal them, or i will turn you into a zombie, okay?  okay.

update: evil november, why are you so evil?

oh man.  i have had the most insane november so far.  i am calling it a triumph that i even got out of my bed this morning.  let me try to break this down in in bulleted list.

• work: i don't know why anything surprises me anymore.
• gym: i'm doing it.  i really am.  i mentioned before that the lovely ladies in my family have a goal to each walk 450+ miles in under a year.  i broke down recently and got another gym membership.  you have to be sneaky about gym memberships, i've decided, or they tend to hound you.  so what i do is i sign up for the gym at one location and then i never go back there. i go to a different location, because i hate people trying to get me to sign up for a session with the personal trainer or like... keeping tabs on me or something.  i hate it.  anyway, i have been going to the gym three times a week, and because i go to one of the smaller locations, i have to get there before the after-work rush or else i won't get a working elliptical.  i'll get the one that sounds like an elephant.  so i have to flee from work and don't have much flexibility for staying late to catch up on things.  this makes life difficult.
• voting: oh my gosh. i waited in line for an hour and a half last tuesday to vote.  there is never a line like that for voting, unless it's a presidential vote.  my goodness.  good for america for being invested, i guess, but i was slightly homicidal by the time i got to the front of the line.  and they have electronic voting, so i didn't even get to take my aggression out on some chads.
• nanowrimo: WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?  (LISA TINGEY, I'M LOOKING AT YOU.) for those of you who are not familiar with nanowrimo, it stands for National Novel Writing Month.  the goal is to write a 50,000-word first draft in one month.  thirty days.  my friends lisa and shar are doing it, and lisa convinced me to join the madness.  MADNESS.  i'm way behind on my word count right now, but i'm further on my novel than i've ever been, so i suppose that's kind of the point, right?  the whole idea of nano is to just get the first draft out without worrying about whether it's horrible or not.  i suppose if you do that, sure you could probably get 50,000 words out in a month.  but i cannot do that.  i cannot let go.  i have to edit and polish things as i go.  it is just the way i roll, yo. i'm still aiming for the end of the month, but i figure that if i have my novel done by the new year, that's good enough.  i will have a full first draft of a novel, which is something i've never had before. 
• THE WORST LUCK EVER: on second thought, this bullet needs its own post.  so.  get excited about that.

does this count as booday?: my phone is possessed.

my phone has a problem.  i think that it may have the brain of an adolescent boy.  that, or it's possessed by some evil spirit that thinks it's funny to make my life difficult. 

i have the predictive text feature turned on when i text message.  sometimes this makes things a lot faster and easier.  other times, not so much.  here are just a few of the most common issues.

i type in: just

it predicts: 5878

i type in: out

it predicts: Mtv

i type in: care

it predicts: barf

i type in: happy

it predicts: gassy

yes, you read those last two right.  which means that if i want to create a kind message that says "i care that you are happy," i end up with this:

and if i enter the name of my sister jen, i have to cycle through ken, leo, and len before arriving to it.  how often do i say barf vs. how often i say jen?  pretty heavily weighted toward the jen side, i promise.

the other day, my friend told me that he wanted to hang out with my phone because he thought they would get along really well.  he said they'd already friended each other on facebook.  i wouldn't be surprised if my phone really did have a facebook account i didn't know about.  it's probably not safe for children.

and if i ever send you a message that says that i really barf that you're gassy, please remember that that's probably not what i mean to say.

unless it is.

update: common side effects include...

common side effect of wearing sunscreen every day: i look like a ghostperson. the sad thing is, i am TECHNICALLY tan. compared to my stomach (which probably hasn't seen daylight since i was like... three), my arms and chest and face are tan. it's just that my natural skin color is so lily-white that even with a slight tan i look like i should be pacing the hallways of an old victorian hotel mourning my lost love. when i was a baby, i was so brown that everyone in the hospital thought i was navajo. true story. and then during my childhood, tan skin turned to freckles and i somehow transitioned to looking like a mole-person who has never seen daylight. i feel like i should get SOME sort of color in my face before winter comes, or by march i'm going to be the same color as a frog belly.

why am i writing about this, you ask? because i am wearing red lipstick today and i bear a rather shocking resemblance to this person, only less... you know. fairest-of-them-all-ish.

(note: in my head, she's clapping like stevie wonder in this picture.)

dear sun: do you think we could cut some kind of deal?  like maybe i spend some quality time with you and stop talking smack about your UV rays and you maybe promise not to cause any sun damage and turn me into splotchy mcleatherface in my golden years? let's talk.

wild card: fifty days and counting

i am so ready for october.  i appreciate the summer with its green trees and blue skies and pretty little hummingbird that likes to hang out outside my office window, but i am just not a summer person.  i am an autumn person.  specifically, i am an october person.  i love the chill in the air in the evenings, i love the spicy, clean smell of the leaves and the beginning hints of woodsmoke from crackling fireplaces.  i love that awkward in-between time where it's not quite cold enough for the winter coat, not quite warm enough without it, so i end up going out in a sweatshirt and scarf.  i love the rusty-gold splotches of trees on the mountains.

if you know me or you've been reading this blog, this is probably pretty obvious, but i'm going to say it anyway: halloween is my favorite holiday. everyone else in my family seems to hate it or be ambivalent toward it, but i love halloween. i don't care about the candy, and i'm not super-interested in the costumes (though i will be dressing up this year and it will be a resurrection of an obscure character i dressed up as two years ago and literally no one knew who i was, so get excited about that). my favorite part of halloween is just the atmosphere. through the month of october, i read horrible books by r.l. stein and christopher pike mixed in with genuinely good ghost stories by other authors. last year it was world war z, the works of edgar allen poe, and twentieth century ghosts by joe hill.  i only watch spooky, witchy, or ghost-related movies from october first through november first.  i go to haunted houses and haunted forests and eat molasses cookies and drink warm apple cider.

a few years ago, i was a storyteller at a "haunted village" event in salt lake.  my friend chelsey was in a production of sleepy hollow that was held in the same village and my friend callie and i told ghost stories. i had a great costume-- a ruffled shirt, long skirt, and a red velvet cloak with a hood to cover my anachronistically-short hair.  we were stationed in buildings throughout the village.  some nights i was at the mill, other nights i was at a little cottage down the road.  groups of visitors traveled through the village and would come into the buildings. sometimes there were long gaps between the groups, so i'd just sit there by myself and poke around a bit.  the mill was a little boring (except for that time the mill wheel that reportedly hadn't moved in at least five years decided to start turning and i basically had a heart attack and refused to be there by myself anymore), but the cottage had all sorts of interesting historical bits and knicknacks.  because we were trying to create a historically spooky atmosphere, there were no lights turned on in the buildings-- only candles and lanterns.  there was one night, right before halloween, that it started snowing.  i went to the back of the cottage and opened the back door that faced away from the main road.  there weren't any people walking past-- just a field and more buildings lit by lanterns.  i was holding a candle in one hand and holding my cloak closed with the other, watching the snow flurries fall like little downy feathers.  i got chills.  not because it was cold or because i was really frightened-- just because it was so deliciously... haunting.

i have nothing against summer.  really.  and i really like the spring, except for all the pollen.  winter has its moments, even.  but all of those seasons are just preludes to the main event for me-- that time of year i crave for the other eleven months.

fifty days.  but who's counting?

update: five-and-a-half-hour drives to nowhere

okay, first of all, i don't know how, exactly, one sustains a thumb injury while sleeping, but my thumb is MESSED UP today.  what was i doing in my sleep last night?  playing nintendo?  thumb-wrestling a viking?

ouch.

anyway, last week was rough.  there wasn't a specific reason for it being so rough, really.  it was just one of those weeks where my general surliness attracted all sorts of bad stuff and by the end of the week i was pretty much surrounded by a ball of angry crap. so saturday, i took the day off.  i know saturday is technically the weekend and is already a day off, but for me, saturdays are always filled with cleaning, laundry, mopping, grocery shopping, planning menus, and all that stuff.  so instead of doing those things, i hopped in my car and went for a drive.  for five and a half hours. 

i went to my favorite, prettiest, middle-of-nowhere places where i had room to breathe and relax and scrape off some of the collected crap of my week.  at first i was a little zoned out, just taking deep breaths and looking at nature and barely thinking at all.  then i was cranky.  then, i finally started to reflect on why i was so dang cranky and what i could do about it.  turns out, i was mostly cranky because things weren't going exactly how i wanted them to.  i would plan one thing and something completely different would happen.

if there's one thing i've learned in the past year and a half, it's that everything happens for a reason.  everything.  i've started seeing my life as a big puzzle in which every incident is an important, interlocking part of the whole.  like if that girl hadn't said that hurtful thing in the sixth grade, then i wouldn't have felt this way, and then this and this and this wouldn't have happened, and then that wouldn't have led up to this wonderful thing that happened in my life. (actually, once i started seeing all of the connections, i actually got a little freaked out for a while because it was like i had just opened a door and gotten a rather sublime peek at the intricate workings of the universe without meaning to.)  with that in mind, i started picking apart all of these things that were happening that weren't going the way i wanted them to.  instead of dwelling on what had or hadn't happened as planned, i started thinking about what good things might (or already had) come from the change of plans.

goodness, i felt so much better after that. it really helps to be able to identify what i'm feeling and why i'm feeling it, honestly recognize my feelings as being valid, and then pick them apart and resolve them. after i started resolving things, i kept going, driving fast with the windows down, down roads hardly anyone else even seems to know about.  i could feel all the bad feelings just sloughing off and getting left on the road behind me like little dirt clods.  by the time i got back to my apartment (minus half a tank of gas, plus a sunburnt left arm) i was feeling oh so much better-- like when you step out of the shower all nice and clean after a very grungy day.  it was lovely.

today, i feel grateful for the changes of plans in my life, for the puzzle pieces that are fitting together to create something that i can't see quite yet.  i'm grateful for this state i live in, with all of its beautiful places to disappear to.  i'm grateful for my little black car and my freedom to make my own choices, and i'm grateful for all of the people who have taught me the important lessons i didn't really want to learn.  i'm even grateful for my messed-up thumb.  and i'm sure someday, i'll figure out why.

update: just a phase

i've probably said it before, but i am remarkably set in my ways for only being twenty-six years old.  i'm practically fossilized.  recently, though, i've been watching a lot of people move into different phases of their lives. my sister got married and moved across the country to start a new phase of her life with her husband. another friend is preparing to get married in about two weeks.  another friend just moved to california and yet another just found out that she's going to be moving to houston, where her husband just got a new job.  my parents are trying to decide whether they're ready to move into a new phase as well and move to a different area.  at first, i was struggling with all of these changes.  it frustrated me, angered me.  then, honestly, it depressed me.  i had picked my niche that i wanted to stay in for the rest of my life.  i had my plans.  but then, everything started changing around me and disrupting all of those plans.  a few weeks ago, though, a little thought started forming in my head.

this is just a phase.

this spot that i've settled myself into is only temporary.  i'm twenty-six years old, and while that seems incredibly old and mature sometimes, i'm sure twenty-six years from now i'll realize that i'm still a baby at this age.  i still have so much ahead of me.  and how boring would it be if i stayed in exactly the same spot i'm in now for all those years?  what a waste.

there's a book that i read tidbits from now and then.  it talks about how to achieve one's dreams.  near the beginning of the book, it lists some questions to ask ourselves to determine what, exactly, that dream goal is.  what would you do if you only had one year to live?  what would you do if you had a hundred years to live? what would you do if you didn't have to worry about money?  there were more, by my answer was the same to every single one: i would write.

technically, i already write.  i'm a sales writer, and i create documents to fill needs in our company or to bring in revenue.  it's a good job, but it's not the job i would do forever.  i like it, but i don't have a passion for it.  when i dream about writing, i dream about writing for myself, writing what i want to write and creating something beautiful and powerful, not revenue-generating.

when i was talking a friend about this recently, she asked me what my ideal job would be, and i said "well, ideally, i want to get paid for writing what i want to write.  but doesn't everyone?"  then i started coming up with other things i could do that might be satisfying, because every writer wants to write their stuff and get paid for it, and no one really does.  except the ones that do.  people do get paid for writing. every day.  so, why, exactly, would i decide now that i'm not one of those people?  why on earth would i have any less right to that than any of the others?

so i've decided that i've had enough of settling.  i'm not going to settle into this spot that i'm in now because i can't get anything better.  enough of that.  i'm twenty-six and i'm young and i have every right to do what i want to do with my life, and dang it, i want to write.  so that's what i'm going to do.

i have my eye on a low-residency creative writing MFA program in oregon.  there's no way on earth i'm good enough to get in yet, but i can be.  i'm going to start out by actually working on my own writing and exercising my weak little creative writing muscles.  then, i'm going to enroll in some classes at a local university so i can get some more practice and input and direction and also get some practice with literary criticism.  then, i'm going to apply to one of the program's yearly ten-day residencies-- just the residency to start out with so i can get a feel for things.  then, if all goes well, i'll apply for the full program.

it's a little terrifying to think about, actually.  but it's roller-coaster terror-- equal parts fear and excitement.

gosh, i can't wait to see what happens next.

photos: bruce and fred's excellent adventure (part 1)

bruce and fred's excellent adventure! (part 1)


i've broken these up to make them a little more easily digestible.  so here is part 1: roses, old thinggies and rubble (oh my)!


and i still can't figure out how to arrange these photos with text the way i want them (even using the caption thinggie) so you are just going to have to go captionless.  also, if i try and arrange them in an appealing way, they go all "i jump to the beginning now, okay!  lol!!"  booooo, pictures.  boooooo blogger.

anyway, if a picture is a mystery to you, you can make something up for it.  it's like a game!

update: adventure report!

goodness, i have got to stop doing this to you nice people!  i know i hate it when people don't update their blogs for forever, and here i am doing it myself.  shame on me.

 my last (very brief) post said that i was out having adventures.  and adventures i have had! are you ready for the Exclusively Exclusive Adventure Report?

Exclusively Exclusive Adventure Report

It's Exclusive!

independence day
independence day was celebrated by eating grilled hot dogs and watching toy story 3 with my delightful parents.  i was hoping to be able to see fireworks from my balcony, but no such luck.  the trees were just baaaarely too tall.  that weekend, i also celebrated my friend callie's birthday by eating delicious curry and engaging in general frolicsomeness.

bruce and fred's excellent adventure

after an insanely busy week at work, i escaped with the above-mentioned callie on a weekend road trip!  our first stop on the trip was the topaz internment camp located outside of delta.  i'd never been there and neither had callie, so we didn't really know what to expect, really.  it was wonderful in very unexpected ways.  on the way there, we drove past a memorial rose garden.  so naturally, we stopped to smell the roses and contemplate life. 
 
continuing down the road toward delta, we drove past some very interesting old buildings.  i'm a desperate sucker for old, decrepit buildings, so i stopped to take pictures and callie was very patient with me. finally, we found our way to the Great Basin Museum, which was curated by a very friendly and excitable older gentleman who told us all sorts of interesting facts.  part of the museum was devoted to mining and geology, and another part was devoted to the history of delta, including clothes, books, household appliances, and the like.  guess which part i spazzed out about like a kid in willy wonka's chocolate factory. (hint: OMG OLD THINGS!!)

we did find a section of the museum devoted to topaz, but there wasn't much in it.  there was a recreation of one of the barracks, but we still wanted to see more.  we found out from the curator that the site of the camp is actually several miles outside of delta.  he gave us a map and we drove out into the middle of nowhere to the site.  we were looking for buildings or ruins or something, but couldn't see anything.  we wandered a bit more in the car before i realized that we were driving through the camp.  there was just nothing that was still standing.  we got out of the car and wandered about for a bit.  there was a lot of rubble-- broken stoves with chimneys still standing, broken dishes and jars, discarded piles of wood.  there were also whole patches of ground just covered with rusted nails.  it was eerie.  it looked like the buildings that had held those nails had just dissolved.  i know that's unlikely-- they were probably just discarded there as people disassembled the buildings.  but still.  eerie. 

after wandering around for a bit more, we headed back into the car and continued on our way to the ultimate destination-- zion national park.  we arrived at our hotel after quite a bit of flailing. the room smelled like something had died horribly in it, but it had a bed.  that's all that mattered, really.  we got a good night's rest and then headed into the park the next morning.  we took the shuttle up the canyon and got out at the temple of sinawava to go exploring.  it was early in the morning, so there weren't many people there.  it was so deliciously quiet.  we could hear the river and the birds winging and the squirrels and lizards rustling through the bushes.  we went on the river walk, where we took lots of pictures and callie was assaulted by a very cheeky squirrel who wanted to steal our granola bars.  we also went down to the river, but i didn't go in for fear of river krakens. 

that evening, we went to dinner at one of my favorite restaurants-- parallel eighty-eight.  words cannot describe the deliciousness of our food, so i will encourage you to look at the photos coming in the next post so i can let pictures speak for us.  also, the view from the table is stupid-awesome.  

the next day, we both had a hard time getting out of bed.  eventually we made our way back into the park.  it was ridiculously hot that day, so we decided not to bother with hiking and ate ice cream instead.  it started raining, but we defied the rain and refused to hide.  after we finished our ice cream, we sat on rocking chairs on the porch of the lodge and just stared at the stupidly beautiful view until we finally admitted that it was time to pack up and go home. it was such an awesome trip.  i'm so glad we got to go. 
 
adventures in wyoming 
 my sister jennifer is home visiting this month.  her visit happened to coincide with the wedding of a mutual friend whom she met at field school and i met at jen's wedding.  her name is carrie, and she's the sparkliest, most wonderful person ever, pretty much.  i adore her.  the wedding was in cheyenne, wyoming.  the week before the wedding was another insanely busy one in which i had zero (0) time to pack and prepare, so we were a bit later getting on the road than we would have liked.  it was a looooong driiiiive.  but it was rather beautiful in parts, and the stars were ridiculously beautiful when the sun went down.  sooo many stars when you're out in the middle of nowhere. we got to our hotel in cheyenne around one o'clock.  we'd made a reservation, but they'd given our room away because they thought we weren't coming, so we got an upgrade to a king suite.  that bed was quite literally the best bed i have ever encountered.  it was like heaven.  heaven.  words cannot describe this bed.  oh my goodness. 

after a good night's sleep (and early-morning nap), we got dressed and went to carrie's wedding.  it was held at the cheyenne botanical gardens, which were in full bloom for the occasion. carrie looked beautiful. at the end of the ceremony, the officiant told a native american story about the origin of the butterfly.  he said that if we tell our wishes to a butterfly, they would carry it up to the great spirit for us.  carrie and chris opened a box full of butterflies and let them loose.  i wish i would have gotten better pictures of it (so many butterflies!) but i was busy crying my face off. 

after that was the reception at the plains hotel.  i really wanted a cowboy to come in with spurs a-janglin' but no such luck.  the whole town just has such an interesting old-west feel.  i bet wyoming as a whole slew of decrepit old buildings just waiting to be explored!  (OMG, old things!)  anyway, back on topic.  stop distracting me.  the reception was lovely and carrie was all sorts of wonderful.  i love that girl, and the ridiculous drive was completely worth it. and we were treated to a beautiful sunset on our way home. pictures in the next post!  (because i cannot figure out how to make the pictures and text fit well in this one post, because i'm a technological genius like that.)

wild card: Dr. Brenda and Miss Angryface McHungry

i don't like to use medical diagnoses as excuses for things.  this wasn't always the case; i have leaned a bit too heavily on the crutch of diagnoses in the past, either consciously or subconsciously. however, a little over a year ago i made the conscious decision to not let said diagnoses rule my life.  i am in control.  i am the big boss in brendaland.  the key to not letting things get the better of me is keeping them under control and bringing them to a point where i'm not consciously dealing with them every day.  but there is one condition that i really do have to deal with every day, no matter how much i want to pretend i don't.  it reared its ugly head yesterday (twice actually) and i fear that some innocent bystanders were injured during the outbreak.

i'm hypoglycemic.  and this means that if i get too hungry, i will unhinge my snake jaw and bite your face off.  (only metaphorically so far, thank goodness.) one friend who i used to work with picked up on this and would ask me if i forgot to eat lunch whenever he'd find me hunched at my desk like a fire-eyed gargoyle, hissing at anything that passed by me.




(yeah, kind of like that. only instead of the prom, it's somebody breathing too loudly.  and instead of teenage hormones, it's because i'm eating lunch five seconds after i should have.)

i'm finding that hypoglycemia is my absolute enemy in my current quest to have a healthy relationship with food.  if i go too long before eating, bad things happen.  bad food happens.  let me illustrate with a brief piece from the off-broadway play "Miss Angryface McHungry." (the role of the stomach was originally played by mark wahlburg.)

stomach: i'm hungry.

me: just a second, we're almost home.  traffic is just a little heavier than usual.

stomach: no, seriously, i'm hungry.

me: wait.  you're fine.  you're not going to starve to death in the next two minutes.

stomach: hungryhungryhungryhungryHUNGRYHUNGRYHUNGRYHUNGRY!!

me: SHUT UP YOU'RE FINE OH MY GOSH WHY IS THIS PERSON IN FRONT OF US TAKING SO LONG I HATE HIM I HATE HIS CAR I HATE HIS MOTHER I HATE EVERYONE IN THE WHOLE WORLD I HATE BREATHING OH MY GOSH AIR WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID.

stomach: (holding a shaking gun to my head like a desperate junkie) GIVE ME A TACO SERIOUSLY PULL THE CAR OVER RIGHT THIS SECOND AND BUY A TACO AND ALSO FIVE OF EVERYTHING ELSE ON THE MENU OR I WILL KILL YOU IN THE FACE.

me: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWR HULK SMASH!!

aaaand scene.

so what can we learn from this seemingly pointless post? 

1)  if i turn into a seven-headed bearmonster around mealtime and insult you, your mother, or some other loved one, it's probably nothing personal. however, you should probably just avoid me around mealtime if at all possible.

2)  i should have a siren on top of my car as a warning when i'm driving hungry.

3) i really need to remember my between-meal snacks. (snacky the snack says "only you can stop hanger (hunger+anger) crimes.")

top fiveish: top five (possibly) irrational fears

the other day, i was talking with some of my friends about neurosis. one of my friends is afraid of horses.  another is afraid of mice.  and another is afraid that something's going to happen to her when she's away from home and people are going to find out how messy her house is.  (this isn't actually as silly as i first thought, because when my mother came to tend to me while i had the stomach flu, i was intensely relieved that my house was clean and i wasn't caught lying about in squalor.)

so in the spirit of this, i present to you my top five (possibly) irrational fears.





5.  leaf bugs and stick bugs

i don't know what it is about stick bugs and leaf bugs that bothers me so much.  (i honestly just got the heeby-jeebies writing those words. ugh.)  i would actually rather wake up to a spider crawling across my pillow than a stick bug.  whenever we go to the zoo together, my sister turns my face away from the insect display with a giant stick bug in it, because i never remember where it is and she probably doesn't want me to lose my mind in the middle of the zoo.  and believe me, i would lose my mind.  once upon a time, i was trapped in my apartment by a leaf bug.  this is a true story.  i was living with my sister at the time, and our apartment complex was surrounded by trees.  i was home alone and opened the door to go do something-- run an errand, take out the trash, i don't know.  and there, outside my door, on the rail of the stairs, was a leaf bug.  a big, huge, green, red-eyed thing.  i immediately slammed the door and hid, periodically checking outside to see if it was still there.  eventually, i determined that i really must leave, so i armed myself with a broom and ventured forth.  when i nudged the bug with a broom, it flew at me.  at me.  and i am not ashamed to admit that i screamed.  full-on screamed, like i was being attacked by a rabid wolf.




4. birds getting caught in my hair

this has never happened to me before in my life, so i really don't know where this fear comes from.  i don't mind looking at birds through windows.  far from it-- i think they're absolutely lovely.  but i'm afraid to get near birds because i am terrified that one is going to somehow get caught in this nest of hair i have.  i don't know why.  (did you know fabio once got hit in the face by a seagull?  true story.)



3.  earthquakes (but not for the reason you think)

i think earthquakes are a perfectly legitimate fear, what with the mess of them we've been having lately.  but the fear that i'm referencing here is not a fear that an earthquake is going to come and destroy my happy city.  no.  what i'm afraid of is that it's going to come in the middle of the night and i'm going to have to go running outside in my underwear.  yep.  (now that i think about it, i have a similar fear of falling and knocking myself unconscious while taking a shower.  hmm.)



2.  clockwork robots

not regular, digital-age robots so much, but i have a mortal fear of clockwork robots. this fear was discovered when i was playing a computer game called City of Heroes.  i was perfectly okay fighting the squishy, fly-ridden zombies.  no problem.  but when a clockwork robot popped up, i freaked out and got out of there as fast as i could, with a serious case of the heeby jeebies.  bleh.  i don't know what about them freaks me out so much, but oh, i do not like them.  no no no.  unfortunately, this means i have to avoid most steampunk-related things and have been strictly forbidden from watching Hellboy II.




1.   krakens/sea monsters/forgotten dinosaurs

i'm afraid of water.  one reason that i'm afraid of water is because i have nearly drowned on multiple occasions.  another reason that i'm afraid of water is because i'm afraid there is a monster in there.  let's be honest.  there's a lot of freaky stuff living in the ocean.  how, exactly, do we know that there are not krakens, sea monsters, or long-forgotten toothy sea-dinosaurs living down there?  hmm?  and how do we know that said krakens, sea monsters, or long-forgotten toothy sea-dinosaurs don't have smaller cousins living in the depths of particularly murky lakes?  we don't know.  and you can't convince me that we do.  i will be staying safely on the shore, thank you very much.  fully-dressed, in case there's a natural disaster, and wearing a large hat with which to frighten away seagulls.

update: we'll pretend this one is on time, too!

okay, i can hear you. “what the heck, b? did you fall off the planet again? where are the updates?”

answer: no, i did not fall off the earth. yes, i still love you. yes, i still remember how to write. (i think. wait… yes, i do.)

so here’s a brief update: work is still workish. there have been a couple of disappointments with some of the applications and bids i’ve written for my company not being accepted. i was at a 100% acceptance rate until the friday before last, which isn’t bad for having been there eleven months. but still, the perfectionism in me runs deep.

saturday, i went over to my friend britt’s house for brunch and world cup soccer. good company, delicious food, soccer—pretty much perfect. that evening, i went to my very first rodeo! i really liked the bronco riding (even though it involved uncomfortable junk irritation for the broncos in question) and the barrel racing. there was also an event where they released range cows that had never been milked before and teams chased them around trying to milk them. it was rather amusing. i felt bad for all of the events that involved calf roping or wrestling or general harassment. whenever a calf got away, i cheered. (and occasionally sang “born free.”)

for father’s day on sunday, i went to my parents’ house and made my daddy dinner—grilled chicken, macaroni salad, and cherry pie. i still have some things to learn about grilling, and my dad declared my macaroni salad “a little intense,” but it was good all in all.

i’m also on the quest to find an exercise that i actually enjoy doing. i checked a belly dancing dvd out from the library. it’s belly dancing for beginners, so i thought surely i’d be able to handle it. false. no. i can get up to the part where they activate the snakes living in their bellies and start doing all these crazy undulations. “lower abs, upper abs, upper back. upper back, upper abs, lower abs.” look, lady. i’m pretty sure i have one muscle in my stomach, and it is called “stomach muscle.” it is a single unit, and moves as a single unit, and oh my gosh how is your stomach moving like that?! i’m planning on giving it another shot, but i’m also still on a quest for the perfect exercise. preferably one that doesn’t involve me stomping and jumping around. i’d like to keep my downstairs neighbors from hating me for now.

alright, that’s all for now! hope you’re all doing well!

update: it's on time! you like it!

i'm doing that blog post procrastination thing again.  i just feel kind of vegetableish right now.  broccolian, if you will.

i'm sitting on my bed right now looking out the glass doors that lead out onto my balcony, and i've gotta say... way to go, utah.  way to be gorgeous right now.  we've been getting quite a bit of rain this season, and things are amazingly green.  i went for a drive yesterday and happened upon this gorgeous view of the sun coming through rainclouds and falling on brilliantly green foothills.  it really was beautiful.  unfortunately, i didn't have my camera with me, so you will all just have to believe me that it was beautiful.  i'm sure i'll head in that direction again at some point in my wanderings, and i'll try and remember a camera next time.

i've lived in utah for nearly eleven years, and it occurred to me recently that i don't actually know my state very well.  i know the areas i've lived in.  i know salt lake city.  and i know southern utah, because i spent many of my childhood summers down there and have since made a regular pilgrimage down to zion national park.  but that's the limit of my knowledge.  so i've decided to learn more about it.  i don't mean read books about it or anything.  i'm more of a learn-by-doing sort of girl, and i do love adventures.  so my learning has pretty much consisted thus far of pointing my car in a direction and heading in said direction until i feel like turning around.  it's been rather pleasant so far.  so if any of my gentle readers aren't from utah and feel like visiting, i can give you a heck of a driving tour of cool locations.  (also, i can tell you where to eat.  name a food genre and i will find you some local tasty eats you can't find elsewhere.  no chain restaurants on my watch, thank you very much.)

so that's about it for now, as far as updates go.  now i need to write a review of a book and pretend like it isn't two days late.  whoo!

update: i'm still alive, i promise!

fear not, gentle readers, i'm still alive! things have been a little crazy over the past few weeks, but they've settled in again and i seem to be getting my groove back.

the first several months of this year have been filled with frantic projects at work. i work for an amazing company called imagine learning, which provides English language and literacy software to kids all across the world. (blog plug! check out our company blog here.) at the beginning of this year, i started turning in applications for my company to provide supplemental educational services (or SES) in a whole bunch of states. SES is after school tutoring provided to struggling low-income students at no cost to their parents. in order to be approved, the company has to go through a rather rigorous application process. i actually had a dream once that the application process was the same for every state in the US. unfortunately, it was only a dream. every state is different, and i have only run into one (one!) state who hasn't had something new on their application that i hadn't seen anywhere else. in all, i have written eighteen applications since the beginning of this year. two of those were reapplications that were approved and seven were brand spankin' new applications that were approved. the others are still pending, which means that so far none of my applications have been denied. (knock on wood!) i'm pretty darn pleased with that, i've gotta say.

in other news, i just returned from a trip to visit my grandmother in the tacoma area up in washington state. i haven't seen here in about five years, and it was wonderful to see her again. she's doing well and is still wonderfully sharp and fun to talk to. i've always had a particularly special connection to this grandma. we came from the exact same mold, i think. i look just like her (i mean... just like her to the point that it confused my grandfather when he was getting older). while i was up there, she had me go through her closet and take some of the old vintage clothes she wore way back when, when my mother was even younger than i am now. i nearly died, because vintage plus-sized clothes are basically impossible to find. i know this because i have looked. so i'd put on an outfit and come spinning into her room and pose for her. she said it was a huge flashback, since i look so much like her-- except she says i look better in her clothes than she ever did. (i doubt this very much, since she, in my mind, has always been an ultimate icon of beauty and class.) in addition to looking like her, i also seem to think an awful lot like her. we talked about some of the things we've both been through and whenever i said something she would give this slow, emphatic nod. yes, i understand completely. she shared some poetry that she'd written when she was younger, and it felt like it had been plucked from my own brain and put onto a page.

she said to me once, the last time i saw her, that even though i hadn't grown up near her and there were a lot of reasons for her to not know me very well, she did know me. she could look into me, and she understood every little thought i had and every part of me. that is something that i will carry with me forever. whenever i feel a little lost or like i'm crazy or that no one around me seems to understand what i'm feeling, i know that it's alright. this wonderful woman understands me. she's been there, and she's felt the same way. and she turned out pretty amazing, so i've gotta believe that i will, too.

this week's goals-- keep the apartment tidy, finish reading my latest literary conquest, keep this blog up to date, and try, desperately, not to spend money i don't have on groceries. (after spending time at pike place market in seattle eating delicious food and staring at delicious produce, reading recipes in real simple, and working my way through italy chapters of eat pray love, i want nothing more than to fill my house with delicious fresh food. and flowers. lots of flowers. sigh!)

update: it's an update-newsday two-for-one deal!

okay, so i'm kind of failing at posting every day.  but i'm still a good person.  right?  right?

work has been continuing to eat my face, but it's let up for just a little bit.  more big projects coming my way, but i'm just taking a moment to breathe right now and find my happy place.  because i worked this past weekend, i'm planning on taking this friday off, which will be nice.  yay for three-day weekends!

i made strawberry rhubarb pie this weekend.  i'd never had it before, and tis the season for rhubarb, so i decided to just go for it.  oh my holy deliciousness.  i don't know how i've survived twenty-six years without ever becoming acquainted with strawberry rhubarb pie (or, as i just decided that i like to call it, strizzle ru-pizzle*).  so maybe you should be expecting a pie recipe coming up at some point this week, either for my usual wednesday(ish) recipe or friday's wild card.

also, here's the newsday part of today's post.  saturday night, there was a shooting at an area grocery store.  i'm not going to link to the exact article because i don't really want creepy internet people to figure out where i live and show up at my door one day, but the summary is as follows:

at 8:40pm on saturday night, police responded to a call from security guards at a local grocery store.  the guards had restrained a man who was being disorderly and were holding him in the store office.  when the police arrived, the man pulled a gun on them and pointed it at one of the police officers, who then shot the man in self defense.  the man was pronounced dead at the scene.  no customers witnessed the incident.  after the customers left, the entrances to the store were closed and the police began their investigation into the incident.

see, here's the thing.  remember how i said i worked this weekend?  i was in the office until about eight.  then i drove home.  on the way home, i stopped by the store to pick up some things for my mom's special mother's day dinner.  i wandered around the store for a bit before i figured out what i wanted, then purchased it and left.  around, say, 8:30.  and yes, it was this exact grocery store.

heebidy jeebidy.

on a better subject, goals for this week: remember to eat breakfast.  remember to bring lunch to work.  maybe try some yoga in the morning.

hope you're all having a good week!






* i need more sleep.  seriously.

update: danger! intigue! (or: another dull week in the life of a brenda)

i had this dream last night, i was in brazil, doing something work-related.  i was outside, beneath a canopy of trees, and i suddenly realized that the trees were full of snakes-- big, fat, bright-yellow snakes that were draped over the branches.  very scary.  lots of hissing.  i kept calling them asps, even though i knew they weren't asps.  i climbed a vine to get away from the snakes, but i needed to get inside of this little house. getting inside meant walking under the snakes, though.  so i created a distraction by knocking over a box of grape kool-aid packets.  all of the snakes attacked the box and i ran inside.  one of the snakes-- a particularly long, fat one-- followed me into the house.  i slammed the door and cut it in half, but the half with the head stayed alive and kept following me, so i dropped a stack of books on it.

hmm.

other than that, nothing particularly interesting is going on right now in my life.  alas!  i have a few big projects i'm working on at work that i'm trying to balance and wrap my brain around.  i feel like i really need a vacation, but then i realize that i just had a vacation a month ago and should really be fine. 

sigh.  woe is me.  i can hear you playing your little violins.

on wednesday i had a talk with jules, who is... my... therapist?  kind of?  okay, technically she does "energy work and emotional release," which is like therapy, only it has less to do with jung and freud and the dsm IV and more to do with the ideas of eastern medicine.  think chi and chakras and balancing the elements.  a session with jules is extremely hard to explain, so i won't even really try.  she is, however, amazing.  amazing.   i love talking with her.

i also got to spend time with quite a few friends this week. i attended a bridal shower for a coworker with some of my friends from work.  it was very nice to be out with all of them.  i really do love my coworkers, and i feel lucky to be able to say that.  i am avoiding even thinking about the upcoming day in july when one of my work friends will be moving to california.  this is why i need to learn how to apparate post-haste.  (also, that would make vacation a lot more feasable.  dear j.k. rowling: can adults attend hogwarts?  is there a correspondence course setup of some sort?) i also went out with some friends to a lovely little sushi place that was both cheap and delicious. afterward, i spent several hours talking my friend's ear off, reapplying it, and then talking it off again.  poor thing.  (but you can't tell it ever fell off, really. still quite natural-looking.)

this coming week, i'm going to try and keep my life generally organized at home-- a good dinner made every night, keeping things nice and tidy.  it's interesting how much easier it is to concentrate on hard tasks when everything else is in order.

hope you all have a lovely week!

update: photos!

lots of pics beneath the cut, so slow-connection-sufferers, beware!

update: birthweek

last week was my birth...week. i know it's generally constrained to a birthday, but the festivities for my birth were kind of spread out throughout the week. and it was awesome.