hang in there

i've been thinking a lot about this subject lately. i know this blog is, for the most part, about food and amusing stories and random bits of this and that. i don't know where this post will fit into the general tone of the blog, and i debated for a while about whether i should write it or not. but in the end, i feel like i can't not write it right now.

i've struggled with depression for the majority of my life. i have a hard time remembering a time when i didn't feel it now and then. as i got older, my diagnosis of clinical depression was changed to a diagnosis of bipolar disorder.  things were rough-- not only for me, but the people i loved and affected.  things got really rough in college.  after i graduated, things went on a pretty rapid spiral downwards and i hit absolute rock bottom somewhere around March 2007.  and then i stayed there for a while.

i don't want to go through too many details, but suffice it to say that things were dark for me.  "dark" is the only word i can even think of to describe it, and even that doesn't quite describe it all.  i thought, many times, about how much easier it would be to end things-- easier for me, easier for the ones i loved.  but because of... i don't even know what-- friends, family, god, myself, some combination of all these things-- i didn't do it.  i never took that last step.

and now, i look at my life and i am thankful every day that i decided to stay.

i know that there are countless people around the world who are feeling that same kind of darkness i went through and who are having those same thoughts-- that it would be easier, better.  that there's no point in staying.  that things are only going to get worse from here.  and i can tell you, with absolute honesty, that you're wrong.  you're wrong.  

things do get better.  i can't even express how much better they get.  a year from now, five years from now, twenty years from now, amazing things are going to happen to you-- things that right now you can't even dream of.  you can make them happen.  you have more power than you realize.  maybe right now things are terrible.  maybe right now it seems like nothing could ever get better and that you're never going to get out of this hell you're in.  but just wait.  please, just wait.  stick around and wait and see what great things are in store for you.  wait and see how powerful you really are and who you can become.

you're not alone in this.  there are people out there who want to help you if you only ask.  you don't have to go through this by yourself.  talk to someone.  find someone who will listen.  they're out there.

things will get better for you.  i cross my heart.

update: happiness

do you remember that post from a while back? this one about happy moments, and how someday i hoped to be able to share my happy energy with the world?  well, i hope you all felt a little buzz saturday afternoon, because i was driving along, minding my own business, and i suddenly found myself in the middle of a happiest moment.

it kind of came out of nowhere.  i'd had an awesome morning, hanging out with a good friend. we'd gone to brunch at a wonderful place in salt lake and ate our waffles and frites at a table on the sidewalk, across from the farmer's market.  the weather was absolutely perfect-- blue skies and sunshine.  i've been aching for fall like crazy, but that morning, i was glad it was summer.  it was perfect.  after brunch, we perused the italian market next door, then went to another market that sells food one can usually only find in the UK.  an excellent brunch, a little oogling at foods i can't afford yet, and wonderful conversation. ah, happiness. <3

after i dropped my friend off at her house, i decided to keep driving.  i went for one of the new favorite drives i've discovered, heading up a canyon.  i was looking around at the trees and the mountains and i just kept thinking "i live here.  oh my gosh, i live here."  it seemed amazing, so incredibly lucky.  i was still riding on the high of my wonderful morning.  the perfect song was playing on my radio and i was surrounded by perfect scenery, and suddenly, as i rounded a corner, pop!  there i was, in the middle of a happiest moment.  all by myself, in a car, for no particular reason.  it was brief-- the sort of thing that once you realize it's happening, it starts to go away.  but it was wonderful, and i'm glad to have recognized it for what it was.

update: five-and-a-half-hour drives to nowhere

okay, first of all, i don't know how, exactly, one sustains a thumb injury while sleeping, but my thumb is MESSED UP today.  what was i doing in my sleep last night?  playing nintendo?  thumb-wrestling a viking?

ouch.

anyway, last week was rough.  there wasn't a specific reason for it being so rough, really.  it was just one of those weeks where my general surliness attracted all sorts of bad stuff and by the end of the week i was pretty much surrounded by a ball of angry crap. so saturday, i took the day off.  i know saturday is technically the weekend and is already a day off, but for me, saturdays are always filled with cleaning, laundry, mopping, grocery shopping, planning menus, and all that stuff.  so instead of doing those things, i hopped in my car and went for a drive.  for five and a half hours. 

i went to my favorite, prettiest, middle-of-nowhere places where i had room to breathe and relax and scrape off some of the collected crap of my week.  at first i was a little zoned out, just taking deep breaths and looking at nature and barely thinking at all.  then i was cranky.  then, i finally started to reflect on why i was so dang cranky and what i could do about it.  turns out, i was mostly cranky because things weren't going exactly how i wanted them to.  i would plan one thing and something completely different would happen.

if there's one thing i've learned in the past year and a half, it's that everything happens for a reason.  everything.  i've started seeing my life as a big puzzle in which every incident is an important, interlocking part of the whole.  like if that girl hadn't said that hurtful thing in the sixth grade, then i wouldn't have felt this way, and then this and this and this wouldn't have happened, and then that wouldn't have led up to this wonderful thing that happened in my life. (actually, once i started seeing all of the connections, i actually got a little freaked out for a while because it was like i had just opened a door and gotten a rather sublime peek at the intricate workings of the universe without meaning to.)  with that in mind, i started picking apart all of these things that were happening that weren't going the way i wanted them to.  instead of dwelling on what had or hadn't happened as planned, i started thinking about what good things might (or already had) come from the change of plans.

goodness, i felt so much better after that. it really helps to be able to identify what i'm feeling and why i'm feeling it, honestly recognize my feelings as being valid, and then pick them apart and resolve them. after i started resolving things, i kept going, driving fast with the windows down, down roads hardly anyone else even seems to know about.  i could feel all the bad feelings just sloughing off and getting left on the road behind me like little dirt clods.  by the time i got back to my apartment (minus half a tank of gas, plus a sunburnt left arm) i was feeling oh so much better-- like when you step out of the shower all nice and clean after a very grungy day.  it was lovely.

today, i feel grateful for the changes of plans in my life, for the puzzle pieces that are fitting together to create something that i can't see quite yet.  i'm grateful for this state i live in, with all of its beautiful places to disappear to.  i'm grateful for my little black car and my freedom to make my own choices, and i'm grateful for all of the people who have taught me the important lessons i didn't really want to learn.  i'm even grateful for my messed-up thumb.  and i'm sure someday, i'll figure out why.

wild card: a thoughtful thought.

around this time last year, a friend and i went on a little trip up a canyon near where i live. we lit a fire and roasted hot dogs and had a fantastic time.  it was an awesome night, and one that i'll remember for a long, long time.  as i was lugging a cord of wood from his car to our campsite, which was about a hundred million miles away, a thought occurred to me.  since then, this thought has popped up again and again, usually when i'm having a crappy day and nothing seems to be going right.

with more than six and a half billion people living on the earth right now, chances are good that at this moment-- this one you're in right now as you're reading this-- at least one of those people is having one of the happiest moments of their lives. not just a good moment, but a perfect moment-- something deep and warm and glowing that they will never ever forget.

isn't that a beautiful thought?  someone is absolutely radiating happiness right this very second.  and if i stop and think about it, i can share in that happiness.  i can be happy just because they are happy.  and maybe when my perfect moment comes, someone else out there in this big crazy world might catch a bit of it and smile for no particular reason.