okay, first of all, i don't know how, exactly, one sustains a thumb injury while sleeping, but my thumb is MESSED UP today. what was i doing in my sleep last night? playing nintendo? thumb-wrestling a viking?
ouch.
anyway, last week was rough. there wasn't a specific reason for it being so rough, really. it was just one of those weeks where my general surliness attracted all sorts of bad stuff and by the end of the week i was pretty much surrounded by a ball of angry crap. so saturday, i took the day off. i know saturday is technically the weekend and is already a day off, but for me, saturdays are always filled with cleaning, laundry, mopping, grocery shopping, planning menus, and all that stuff. so instead of doing those things, i hopped in my car and went for a drive. for five and a half hours.
i went to my favorite, prettiest, middle-of-nowhere places where i had room to breathe and relax and scrape off some of the collected crap of my week. at first i was a little zoned out, just taking deep breaths and looking at nature and barely thinking at all. then i was cranky. then, i finally started to reflect on why i was so dang cranky and what i could do about it. turns out, i was mostly cranky because things weren't going exactly how i wanted them to. i would plan one thing and something completely different would happen.
if there's one thing i've learned in the past year and a half, it's that everything happens for a reason. everything. i've started seeing my life as a big puzzle in which every incident is an important, interlocking part of the whole. like if that girl hadn't said that hurtful thing in the sixth grade, then i wouldn't have felt this way, and then this and this and this wouldn't have happened, and then that wouldn't have led up to this wonderful thing that happened in my life. (actually, once i started seeing all of the connections, i actually got a little freaked out for a while because it was like i had just opened a door and gotten a rather sublime peek at the intricate workings of the universe without meaning to.) with that in mind, i started picking apart all of these things that were happening that weren't going the way i wanted them to. instead of dwelling on what had or hadn't happened as planned, i started thinking about what good things might (or already had) come from the change of plans.
goodness, i felt so much better after that. it really helps to be able to identify what i'm feeling and why i'm feeling it, honestly recognize my feelings as being valid, and then pick them apart and resolve them. after i started resolving things, i kept going, driving fast with the windows down, down roads hardly anyone else even seems to know about. i could feel all the bad feelings just sloughing off and getting left on the road behind me like little dirt clods. by the time i got back to my apartment (minus half a tank of gas, plus a sunburnt left arm) i was feeling oh so much better-- like when you step out of the shower all nice and clean after a very grungy day. it was lovely.
today, i feel grateful for the changes of plans in my life, for the puzzle pieces that are fitting together to create something that i can't see quite yet. i'm grateful for this state i live in, with all of its beautiful places to disappear to. i'm grateful for my little black car and my freedom to make my own choices, and i'm grateful for all of the people who have taught me the important lessons i didn't really want to learn. i'm even grateful for my messed-up thumb. and i'm sure someday, i'll figure out why.
6.8.10
wild card: zombie apocalypse
yesterday morning, my alarm went off as usual. i got up and staggered across the room to turn it off, then flopped back down on my bed and curled up. i had every intention of getting up, but it didn't quite happen. i woke up an hour and a half later feeling rather disoriented and out of sorts. i looked at the clock and grumbled, then curled back up again. as i slowly started to come to my senses, i noticed something. i could hear screaming outside-- shrill, distant screams mixed with lower ones. it sounded like muted, muffled bedlam. i opened my eyes and stared at the glass doors that lead out onto my balcony. and for a moment i was absolutely positively certain that there was a zombie apocalypse going on outside. i expected at any moment to hear a bang on my door or hear the front windows break.
it was the wind, of course. just the wind, doing something strange as it whipped between the buildings in my apartment complex. but for a moment, just a second or two, i had this genuine sinking feeling of "oh... crap.*"
clearly i have watched too many movies and read too many books. (incidentally, if you are interested in zombie apocalypses and the like, allow me to suggest the book World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War by max brooks. it's a history of a fictional zombie apocalypse and goes from the first signs of the outbreak through the main conflict and into the aftermath and world recovery, and it is wonderfully, alarmingly believable.)
*Note: the "oh crap" feeling was quickly followed by a series of thoughts that included "i bet it started at the school" (meaning the university on the hill above my neighborhood) and "i'm on the third floor, so it will take them a while to get up here." at least i keep my head in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
it was the wind, of course. just the wind, doing something strange as it whipped between the buildings in my apartment complex. but for a moment, just a second or two, i had this genuine sinking feeling of "oh... crap.*"
clearly i have watched too many movies and read too many books. (incidentally, if you are interested in zombie apocalypses and the like, allow me to suggest the book World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War by max brooks. it's a history of a fictional zombie apocalypse and goes from the first signs of the outbreak through the main conflict and into the aftermath and world recovery, and it is wonderfully, alarmingly believable.)
*Note: the "oh crap" feeling was quickly followed by a series of thoughts that included "i bet it started at the school" (meaning the university on the hill above my neighborhood) and "i'm on the third floor, so it will take them a while to get up here." at least i keep my head in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
newsday: HOLY AMAZING.
works of art small enough to fit into the eye of a needle. "I was moving her (an Alice in Wonderland sculpture) to the eye of the needle and I looked in the microscope and she was gone. I think I inhaled her."
5.8.10
update: just a phase
i've probably said it before, but i am remarkably set in my ways for only being twenty-six years old. i'm practically fossilized. recently, though, i've been watching a lot of people move into different phases of their lives. my sister got married and moved across the country to start a new phase of her life with her husband. another friend is preparing to get married in about two weeks. another friend just moved to california and yet another just found out that she's going to be moving to houston, where her husband just got a new job. my parents are trying to decide whether they're ready to move into a new phase as well and move to a different area. at first, i was struggling with all of these changes. it frustrated me, angered me. then, honestly, it depressed me. i had picked my niche that i wanted to stay in for the rest of my life. i had my plans. but then, everything started changing around me and disrupting all of those plans. a few weeks ago, though, a little thought started forming in my head.
this is just a phase.
this spot that i've settled myself into is only temporary. i'm twenty-six years old, and while that seems incredibly old and mature sometimes, i'm sure twenty-six years from now i'll realize that i'm still a baby at this age. i still have so much ahead of me. and how boring would it be if i stayed in exactly the same spot i'm in now for all those years? what a waste.
there's a book that i read tidbits from now and then. it talks about how to achieve one's dreams. near the beginning of the book, it lists some questions to ask ourselves to determine what, exactly, that dream goal is. what would you do if you only had one year to live? what would you do if you had a hundred years to live? what would you do if you didn't have to worry about money? there were more, by my answer was the same to every single one: i would write.
technically, i already write. i'm a sales writer, and i create documents to fill needs in our company or to bring in revenue. it's a good job, but it's not the job i would do forever. i like it, but i don't have a passion for it. when i dream about writing, i dream about writing for myself, writing what i want to write and creating something beautiful and powerful, not revenue-generating.
when i was talking a friend about this recently, she asked me what my ideal job would be, and i said "well, ideally, i want to get paid for writing what i want to write. but doesn't everyone?" then i started coming up with other things i could do that might be satisfying, because every writer wants to write their stuff and get paid for it, and no one really does. except the ones that do. people do get paid for writing. every day. so, why, exactly, would i decide now that i'm not one of those people? why on earth would i have any less right to that than any of the others?
so i've decided that i've had enough of settling. i'm not going to settle into this spot that i'm in now because i can't get anything better. enough of that. i'm twenty-six and i'm young and i have every right to do what i want to do with my life, and dang it, i want to write. so that's what i'm going to do.
i have my eye on a low-residency creative writing MFA program in oregon. there's no way on earth i'm good enough to get in yet, but i can be. i'm going to start out by actually working on my own writing and exercising my weak little creative writing muscles. then, i'm going to enroll in some classes at a local university so i can get some more practice and input and direction and also get some practice with literary criticism. then, i'm going to apply to one of the program's yearly ten-day residencies-- just the residency to start out with so i can get a feel for things. then, if all goes well, i'll apply for the full program.
it's a little terrifying to think about, actually. but it's roller-coaster terror-- equal parts fear and excitement.
gosh, i can't wait to see what happens next.
this is just a phase.
this spot that i've settled myself into is only temporary. i'm twenty-six years old, and while that seems incredibly old and mature sometimes, i'm sure twenty-six years from now i'll realize that i'm still a baby at this age. i still have so much ahead of me. and how boring would it be if i stayed in exactly the same spot i'm in now for all those years? what a waste.
there's a book that i read tidbits from now and then. it talks about how to achieve one's dreams. near the beginning of the book, it lists some questions to ask ourselves to determine what, exactly, that dream goal is. what would you do if you only had one year to live? what would you do if you had a hundred years to live? what would you do if you didn't have to worry about money? there were more, by my answer was the same to every single one: i would write.
technically, i already write. i'm a sales writer, and i create documents to fill needs in our company or to bring in revenue. it's a good job, but it's not the job i would do forever. i like it, but i don't have a passion for it. when i dream about writing, i dream about writing for myself, writing what i want to write and creating something beautiful and powerful, not revenue-generating.
when i was talking a friend about this recently, she asked me what my ideal job would be, and i said "well, ideally, i want to get paid for writing what i want to write. but doesn't everyone?" then i started coming up with other things i could do that might be satisfying, because every writer wants to write their stuff and get paid for it, and no one really does. except the ones that do. people do get paid for writing. every day. so, why, exactly, would i decide now that i'm not one of those people? why on earth would i have any less right to that than any of the others?
so i've decided that i've had enough of settling. i'm not going to settle into this spot that i'm in now because i can't get anything better. enough of that. i'm twenty-six and i'm young and i have every right to do what i want to do with my life, and dang it, i want to write. so that's what i'm going to do.
i have my eye on a low-residency creative writing MFA program in oregon. there's no way on earth i'm good enough to get in yet, but i can be. i'm going to start out by actually working on my own writing and exercising my weak little creative writing muscles. then, i'm going to enroll in some classes at a local university so i can get some more practice and input and direction and also get some practice with literary criticism. then, i'm going to apply to one of the program's yearly ten-day residencies-- just the residency to start out with so i can get a feel for things. then, if all goes well, i'll apply for the full program.
it's a little terrifying to think about, actually. but it's roller-coaster terror-- equal parts fear and excitement.
gosh, i can't wait to see what happens next.
update kinda sorta: new plan for the snoop bloggy blog
okay, so here's the thing: this whole expectation i've placed on myself to post every day thing just isn't working. if i miss a day, it tends to snowball because i don't want to write the next day because i'd have to make up for the day before that i missed, and then i get all "NOOO BLOOOOG RUN AWAAAAAY!" so new plan! i will post three times a week. i promise. and i will probably mostly stick to the plan that i set up earlier this year as to what will be posted on what day, but i will occasionally stray. and i'm okay with that. right? right. fistbump.
1.8.10
photos: wonderful wedding in the wild west of wyoming!
finally, the photos from the wedding my sister and i attended in wyoming! this was our friend carrie's wedding. it was absolutely beautiful. and thanks to a smudge on my camera lens, i got to capture carrie's happy wedding glow. : )
photos: bruce and fred's excellent adventure (part 2)
first, an explanation of the title of these posts. yes, it is a play off of bill and ted's excellent adventure, as paige cleverly noted in her comment on the last post. (come back soon, paige, i miss you!) a few years back, callie and i started calling each other bruce and fred. i am bruce, callie is fred. why? i don't know. because we are awesome, clearly, and transcend reason.
anyway, more pictures! we started the day with a hike along the river. it was lovely, and nice and shady. we went down by the river, but i didn't want to go in due to the threat of the domestic river kraken. then a squirrel got all up in callie's business and was like "food? you has? i wants!!" after the hike, we went back to the hotel and relaxed a little, then headed back toward the park for our stupid-awesome dinner. so amazing. and the view from the table was beautiful. we were very sad when it was over. tears were shed.
the next day, we had ice cream and rain, and then sat on the porch in rocking chairs, not wanting to move. then we headed home! yay adventure!
anyway, more pictures! we started the day with a hike along the river. it was lovely, and nice and shady. we went down by the river, but i didn't want to go in due to the threat of the domestic river kraken. then a squirrel got all up in callie's business and was like "food? you has? i wants!!" after the hike, we went back to the hotel and relaxed a little, then headed back toward the park for our stupid-awesome dinner. so amazing. and the view from the table was beautiful. we were very sad when it was over. tears were shed.
the next day, we had ice cream and rain, and then sat on the porch in rocking chairs, not wanting to move. then we headed home! yay adventure!
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