wild card: Dr. Brenda and Miss Angryface McHungry

i don't like to use medical diagnoses as excuses for things.  this wasn't always the case; i have leaned a bit too heavily on the crutch of diagnoses in the past, either consciously or subconsciously. however, a little over a year ago i made the conscious decision to not let said diagnoses rule my life.  i am in control.  i am the big boss in brendaland.  the key to not letting things get the better of me is keeping them under control and bringing them to a point where i'm not consciously dealing with them every day.  but there is one condition that i really do have to deal with every day, no matter how much i want to pretend i don't.  it reared its ugly head yesterday (twice actually) and i fear that some innocent bystanders were injured during the outbreak.

i'm hypoglycemic.  and this means that if i get too hungry, i will unhinge my snake jaw and bite your face off.  (only metaphorically so far, thank goodness.) one friend who i used to work with picked up on this and would ask me if i forgot to eat lunch whenever he'd find me hunched at my desk like a fire-eyed gargoyle, hissing at anything that passed by me.




(yeah, kind of like that. only instead of the prom, it's somebody breathing too loudly.  and instead of teenage hormones, it's because i'm eating lunch five seconds after i should have.)

i'm finding that hypoglycemia is my absolute enemy in my current quest to have a healthy relationship with food.  if i go too long before eating, bad things happen.  bad food happens.  let me illustrate with a brief piece from the off-broadway play "Miss Angryface McHungry." (the role of the stomach was originally played by mark wahlburg.)

stomach: i'm hungry.

me: just a second, we're almost home.  traffic is just a little heavier than usual.

stomach: no, seriously, i'm hungry.

me: wait.  you're fine.  you're not going to starve to death in the next two minutes.

stomach: hungryhungryhungryhungryHUNGRYHUNGRYHUNGRYHUNGRY!!

me: SHUT UP YOU'RE FINE OH MY GOSH WHY IS THIS PERSON IN FRONT OF US TAKING SO LONG I HATE HIM I HATE HIS CAR I HATE HIS MOTHER I HATE EVERYONE IN THE WHOLE WORLD I HATE BREATHING OH MY GOSH AIR WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID.

stomach: (holding a shaking gun to my head like a desperate junkie) GIVE ME A TACO SERIOUSLY PULL THE CAR OVER RIGHT THIS SECOND AND BUY A TACO AND ALSO FIVE OF EVERYTHING ELSE ON THE MENU OR I WILL KILL YOU IN THE FACE.

me: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWR HULK SMASH!!

aaaand scene.

so what can we learn from this seemingly pointless post? 

1)  if i turn into a seven-headed bearmonster around mealtime and insult you, your mother, or some other loved one, it's probably nothing personal. however, you should probably just avoid me around mealtime if at all possible.

2)  i should have a siren on top of my car as a warning when i'm driving hungry.

3) i really need to remember my between-meal snacks. (snacky the snack says "only you can stop hanger (hunger+anger) crimes.")

top fiveish: top five (possibly) irrational fears

the other day, i was talking with some of my friends about neurosis. one of my friends is afraid of horses.  another is afraid of mice.  and another is afraid that something's going to happen to her when she's away from home and people are going to find out how messy her house is.  (this isn't actually as silly as i first thought, because when my mother came to tend to me while i had the stomach flu, i was intensely relieved that my house was clean and i wasn't caught lying about in squalor.)

so in the spirit of this, i present to you my top five (possibly) irrational fears.





5.  leaf bugs and stick bugs

i don't know what it is about stick bugs and leaf bugs that bothers me so much.  (i honestly just got the heeby-jeebies writing those words. ugh.)  i would actually rather wake up to a spider crawling across my pillow than a stick bug.  whenever we go to the zoo together, my sister turns my face away from the insect display with a giant stick bug in it, because i never remember where it is and she probably doesn't want me to lose my mind in the middle of the zoo.  and believe me, i would lose my mind.  once upon a time, i was trapped in my apartment by a leaf bug.  this is a true story.  i was living with my sister at the time, and our apartment complex was surrounded by trees.  i was home alone and opened the door to go do something-- run an errand, take out the trash, i don't know.  and there, outside my door, on the rail of the stairs, was a leaf bug.  a big, huge, green, red-eyed thing.  i immediately slammed the door and hid, periodically checking outside to see if it was still there.  eventually, i determined that i really must leave, so i armed myself with a broom and ventured forth.  when i nudged the bug with a broom, it flew at me.  at me.  and i am not ashamed to admit that i screamed.  full-on screamed, like i was being attacked by a rabid wolf.




4. birds getting caught in my hair

this has never happened to me before in my life, so i really don't know where this fear comes from.  i don't mind looking at birds through windows.  far from it-- i think they're absolutely lovely.  but i'm afraid to get near birds because i am terrified that one is going to somehow get caught in this nest of hair i have.  i don't know why.  (did you know fabio once got hit in the face by a seagull?  true story.)



3.  earthquakes (but not for the reason you think)

i think earthquakes are a perfectly legitimate fear, what with the mess of them we've been having lately.  but the fear that i'm referencing here is not a fear that an earthquake is going to come and destroy my happy city.  no.  what i'm afraid of is that it's going to come in the middle of the night and i'm going to have to go running outside in my underwear.  yep.  (now that i think about it, i have a similar fear of falling and knocking myself unconscious while taking a shower.  hmm.)



2.  clockwork robots

not regular, digital-age robots so much, but i have a mortal fear of clockwork robots. this fear was discovered when i was playing a computer game called City of Heroes.  i was perfectly okay fighting the squishy, fly-ridden zombies.  no problem.  but when a clockwork robot popped up, i freaked out and got out of there as fast as i could, with a serious case of the heeby jeebies.  bleh.  i don't know what about them freaks me out so much, but oh, i do not like them.  no no no.  unfortunately, this means i have to avoid most steampunk-related things and have been strictly forbidden from watching Hellboy II.




1.   krakens/sea monsters/forgotten dinosaurs

i'm afraid of water.  one reason that i'm afraid of water is because i have nearly drowned on multiple occasions.  another reason that i'm afraid of water is because i'm afraid there is a monster in there.  let's be honest.  there's a lot of freaky stuff living in the ocean.  how, exactly, do we know that there are not krakens, sea monsters, or long-forgotten toothy sea-dinosaurs living down there?  hmm?  and how do we know that said krakens, sea monsters, or long-forgotten toothy sea-dinosaurs don't have smaller cousins living in the depths of particularly murky lakes?  we don't know.  and you can't convince me that we do.  i will be staying safely on the shore, thank you very much.  fully-dressed, in case there's a natural disaster, and wearing a large hat with which to frighten away seagulls.

update?: note to self.

note to self: the day after you have a nasty case of the stomach flu, you are not automatically healed and able to do everything you want to. so you probably shouldn't try, because if you do, you will end up curled up on the sofa in a cold sweat wanting to die a little. uuuuugh.

also, i'm not sure what is happening in my neck of the woods, but i have heard a ton of sirens this morning. i hope everything is alright.

and now, have some hilarious illness-related posts from the brilliant hyperbole and a half (because i am to busy whimpering like a small dog to post anything i wrote myself.)

• texas
• i'm definitely not dead

nnngh

stomach fluuuuuuuuu. kill me. surviving off of peppermints and ice chips at the moment, provided by my loving mother.

back when i return from the dead.

retro movie flashback: the rocketeer (1991)

title: the rocketeer
year: 1991
rating: ★★ 1/2



summary: just before wwII, a dashing young pilot named cliff finds a jet pack-- a jet pack desired by many for various reasons. he uses the jet pack to become a bit of a local hero after saving a friend from a plane crash. however, his foxy girlfriend, jenny, doesn't see him as much of a hero. she's frustrated with his one-track piloty mind, which leads to much drama. also, nazis. and a blimp.

review: this movie came out around the same time that my family got cable. therefore, i watched this movie about a kajillion times when i was a kid. rewatching it, i was surprised to see how many actors i recognized. (locke from lost, jan levinson from the office, that one guy from that thing...)

the movie didn't hold up to the pure, unadulterated awesomeness that it held in my head, but it was still pretty entertaining. very melodramatic in a purposeful way-- clear-cut good versus evil, the sort you'd like to see from a 50's serial. plus, the costumes were pretty and i loved the old hollywood glamor. sigh! a good movie, for sure. not my absolute favorite, but i'm glad i got to see it again.

books and biscuits: roast cornish hen and corn pudding

go on over to books and biscuits for a recipe from the pages of jacob have i loved-- roast cornish hen and corn pudding!

in the kitchen: white bean and spinach dip

this stuff is so, so good. so good. it's great with pita chips or crackers or on hamburgers or in a million other ways, i'm sure. deeelicious. i got it over at food network. the original recipe is by that weirdo with the manic smile who pronounces "parmigiano-reggiano" like it's a curse word.

• 2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• 12 ounces baby spinach
• 1 (15-ounce) can cannelloni beans, drained and rinsed
• 1 tablespoon fresh lemon juice
• 1 tablespoon balsamic vinegar
• 1 teaspoon kosher salt
• 1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

Directions

In a large nonstick skillet, heat 1 tablespoon of the oil, over medium heat. Add the garlic and cook until fragrant, about 1 minute. Add 1/2 of the spinach and cook for 2 minutes until wilted. Repeat with the remaining spinach. Let the mixture cool for a few minutes.

Place the remaining olive oil, spinach mixture, cannelloni beans, lemon juice, balsamic vinegar, salt, and pepper in the bowl of a food processor. (i used a blender and it worked just fine!)

Blend until the mixture is smooth.