i'm hypoglycemic. and this means that if i get too hungry, i will unhinge my snake jaw and bite your face off. (only metaphorically so far, thank goodness.) one friend who i used to work with picked up on this and would ask me if i forgot to eat lunch whenever he'd find me hunched at my desk like a fire-eyed gargoyle, hissing at anything that passed by me.
(yeah, kind of like that. only instead of the prom, it's somebody breathing too loudly. and instead of teenage hormones, it's because i'm eating lunch five seconds after i should have.)
i'm finding that hypoglycemia is my absolute enemy in my current quest to have a healthy relationship with food. if i go too long before eating, bad things happen. bad food happens. let me illustrate with a brief piece from the off-broadway play "Miss Angryface McHungry." (the role of the stomach was originally played by mark wahlburg.)
stomach: i'm hungry.
me: just a second, we're almost home. traffic is just a little heavier than usual.
stomach: no, seriously, i'm hungry.
me: wait. you're fine. you're not going to starve to death in the next two minutes.
stomach: hungryhungryhungryhungryHUNGRYHUNGRYHUNGRYHUNGRY!!
me: SHUT UP YOU'RE FINE OH MY GOSH WHY IS THIS PERSON IN FRONT OF US TAKING SO LONG I HATE HIM I HATE HIS CAR I HATE HIS MOTHER I HATE EVERYONE IN THE WHOLE WORLD I HATE BREATHING OH MY GOSH AIR WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID.
stomach: (holding a shaking gun to my head like a desperate junkie) GIVE ME A TACO SERIOUSLY PULL THE CAR OVER RIGHT THIS SECOND AND BUY A TACO AND ALSO FIVE OF EVERYTHING ELSE ON THE MENU OR I WILL KILL YOU IN THE FACE.
me: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWR HULK SMASH!!
aaaand scene.
so what can we learn from this seemingly pointless post?
1) if i turn into a seven-headed bearmonster around mealtime and insult you, your mother, or some other loved one, it's probably nothing personal. however, you should probably just avoid me around mealtime if at all possible.
2) i should have a siren on top of my car as a warning when i'm driving hungry.
3) i really need to remember my between-meal snacks. (snacky the snack says "only you can stop hanger (hunger+anger) crimes.")
cannot. stop. laughing.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE YOU. i think i almost peed myself reading this.
ReplyDelete(also i so get what you mean, i have actually cried before because i was so hungry and ended up eating half a large bag of doritos I DON'T EVEN LIKE.)
My Brenda. I miss you! I love your blogs, and every time I read them I miss you more! You crack me up, and this post did for sure. I'm pretty sure Emma and Leo both have McHungry bellies, too. I've found it helpful to stash bags of dry cereal EVERYWHERE just in case. And if they don't want to eat the cereal? It's a convenient item to throw at them bit by bit to entertain myself until we can get real food. (Better to throw cereal at someone than to strangle them, right?) Love you!
ReplyDeleteFunny, funny Brenda. (actually not so funny if you've seen it), but we all love you anyway. We'll just keep plenty of food handy.
ReplyDeleteI am the same way. Seriously, I am so ridiculously irrational and angry and then RAWR I WILL BITE YOUR FACE OFF RAWR.
ReplyDeleteThis is why I'm in favor of cookies being stored everywhere.
ah, i'm so glad i'm not alone in my hanger issues. :)
ReplyDelete@Bootses: so glad you get a good giggle at my TRAGIC issues. (ruv roo like woah! miss you oh so much!)
@Liz: i have soooo been there. halfway through devouring something, i'm often like "oh my gosh, what am i even eating?" it's like hunger-blindness.
@Stacy: MY STACY!!!!! i love you and i miss you and i love you and did i mention that i love you? because i do. enough of this brenda/stacy embargo nonsense. (also, the thought of you throwing little bits of cereal at your children is pretty hilarious.)
@Helen: I'm glad you'll still love me, even when i do turn into a seven-headed bearmonster. you're so good to me. :)
@Milla: seriously. snacks need to be available at all times in order to keep the world a safe place. "in case of emergency, break glass, open bag, and consume cookies."
this was awesome. and so true i think of MOST people. definitely me. definitely some other people we work with (who will remain nameless unless you come to my office. he he).
ReplyDelete