retro movie flashback: the man in the iron mask (1998)

title: the man in the iron mask
year: 1998
rating: ★1/2




summary: fresh off the success of titanic, leonardo dicaprio decides to see exactly how fast he can make alexandre dumas turn in his grave. he lures jeremy irons, john malkovich, and gabriel byrne onto the set with a promise of an intensely dramatic interpretation of a newly-discovered shakesperean play. gerard depardieu, he lures with a pork chop. once he has his new toys in his dastardly playhouse, he forces them to act out a hideous farce, performing one horror after another.

also, something about the three musketeers and a man in an iron mask and twins or something.

review:  i didn't actually mean to watch this movie.  it was on tv when i had the stomach flu last week, and it just sort of... happened.  it came up on the tv and in my weakened condition, i couldn't change the channel.

the horror, the horror!

let's take it in pieces. 

item 1: leo's hair.

 

this is the hairstyle of kings, d'artagnan. now bring me more wax with which i may affix the sides so that i may look all kingly business from the front and the maidens may swoon at the kingly party in the back.

item 2: the dialogue.  i really think the script writers meant the movie to be a satire, and then things just got way too serious and they were too afraid to tell anyone.  (the only person who got the true nature of the script was monsieur depardieu.)  seriously, the dialogue is so heavy-handed it's painful.

d'artagnan: anne.  to love you is treason against france.  but not love you is treason against my heart.anne: (after a dramatic pause) then we will both die traitors, d'artagnan.

or another gem:

athos: d'artagnan, i have never known a finer man than you nor cared more for a friend, but if this king harms my son merely to take a lover, then this king will become my enemy. and so will any man who stands between that enemy and me.

or

louis: d'artagnan, you will hunt down porthos, athos, and aramis, and bring me their heads, or i will have yours. and as for you, my brother, back to the prison you will go, and into the mask you hate. wear it 'til you love it! and die in it.

item 3: this amazingly awesome display of "... wait, what just happened?" it starts at approximately 3:25 of the below clip.



the awkwardness of the crowd, the absolute randomness of the food-throwing, the bizarre expectant silence as they all watch the food fly, d'artagnan's overdramatic overreaction. and then the sage nods. "yes. he's eaten our tomato. he understands our souls."

item 4: seriously, jeremy irons and john malkovitch, HOW DID YOU END UP IN THIS MOVIE? did you get lost? did someone kidnap you? do you need to go to a safe place?

so... yeah, to sum up, really not a big fan of this movie. (hock-ptooey!) but it sure is fun to make fun of.